Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream is in the public domain.
God, Jesus and Saint Peter were playing a round of golf. They came up to a long dog-leg par 5 around a lake. Saint Peter laid up on his drive to avoid the water. Jesus tees off next and also lays up. God tees off and drives the lake, his ball comes up well short and gets wet. Another golfer who had watched their tee shots walks up and asks Jesus, "Who does he think he is God?" Jesus replies, "No Jack Nicklaus."
An elderly lady from a remote interior
village went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit
her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course. On the
second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll.
President Clinton showed up at his favorite country club for his weekly round of golf with Al Gore, James Carvel, and Lanny Davis, the President's most articulate "spin doctors" and was immediately surrounded by 6 prospective caddies.
The President, happy for the attention and recognizing that they were future voters (for his wife's run at the Presidency), reminded the caddies that only one of them could caddy for the foursome.
One of the caddies stepped forward and remarked, "We know, Mr. President, that only one of us can caddy for your group, so we set up a contest. The one who tells the biggest lie will have the honor of being the caddy."
The President quickly replied, "You young men shouldn't be having a contest telling lies", he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute speech that began with, "Don't you know it's a sin to lie", and ending with, "Why, when I was a young man your ages, I NEVER told a lie."
There was a dead silence for a brief moment. Just as the President was beginning to think that he'd gotten through to the caddies, the youngest caddy took a deep breath and, looking directly at the President, said...
"OK Mr. President, you can caddy."
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'S#*T!"
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown
myself in the lake."
Father O'Malley was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O'Malley's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover." Came the reply, "It's the biggest ... dam I know."
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his
share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
An old man is playing a round of golf with
his wife, and they both hit into huge bunkers on the side of the green. He
hits out, and realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells over to his
elderly, hard of hearing wife, and says, "Where is the rake?" She
can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to
his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of pumice stone. "Quite a layout," said the officer to in charge of the rescuers. "Too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer responded. Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water hazardů"
"Some people have to give up
golf, because they can't get the swing of it."
An 8 year-old boy and his 6 year-old
brother were playing golf with their friends and practicing both their
game and their swearing. The older boy suggests after the game it is time
they introduce their parents to their new talent. He tells his little
brother, "When we go back to the clubhouse I'll say 'hell' and you
say 'ass'." The 6 year-old readily agrees.
Three golfers are standing at the gates of
heaven and St. Peter asked them if they ever cheated while playing golf
with their wives. The first man said all the time, so St. Peter gave him a
motorcycle and admitted him to heaven. The second man said "I cheated
a couple of times" so St. Peter gives him a mid-sized car and lets
him into heaven. The third man said "For 40 years I only ever played
golf with my wife, most ot the time she beat me but I never cheated
." So St. Peter gives him a Rolls-Royce and admitted him to heaven.
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - silence - -
IN MY HAND I HOLD A BALL,
BY IT'S SIZE I COULD NOT GUESS,
MY LIFE HAS NOT BEEN QUITE THE SAME,
IT HAS MADE ME CURSE AND CRY,
TO MASTER SUCH A TINY BALL,
IT HOOKS AND SLICES, DRIBBLES AND DIES,
WITH MILES OF GRASS ON WHICH TO LAND,
IT'S MADE ME WHIMPER LIKE A PUP,
I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW...
Two postal workers were golfing. "Neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night will keep us from our appointed rounds," said one. "Will you shut up and hit your ball," the other one answered. "It looks like it could rain, and it's getting dark."