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GOLF HUMOR (12)

Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream  is in the public domain.

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through appointments that bought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.

"There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday."

"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

It Is Time To Quit When...

  1. Your first putt is further from the cup than your chip

  2. You have had three putts and your flight mates tell you that you're still away.

  3. You can remember for a week the one good shot you had in the round.

  4. The ball retriever is the most often used piece of equipment in your bag.

  5. You and your group have rules for Mulligans.

  6. You have more than the regulation 14 clubs in your bag including 3 putters.

  7. You leave the pin in when you are on the fringe 8 feet from the pin in the hope it will stop your ball.

  8. You have the thought that if you hole out from 140 yards you can still make bogie.

  9. Your first putt ends up longer than your short approach chip.

  10. When you call fore on a par three everyone runs to the green for safety.

  11. The club has named a pond in front of the green after you.

Dentist on the phone with a patient: "Gee, Mrs. Wilson, I'm sorry. Try the emergency dental clinic downtown on Main Street. Cross my heart, I have eighteen cavities to fill this afternoon. I have no time before making a start."

Dental Nurse:
"Don't forget to take your new putter, Dr. Adams."

It was a beautiful day. Birds were singing, squirrels scurrying across the fairways, ducks swimming contently in the lake and fish were bobbing up and down in the water. Through it all, the golfers were enjoying a stroll across a carpet of lush green grass while listening to the sound of leaves rustling in the trees around them.

One of the foursome, after taking it all in for a while and enjoying the quiet moments, finally said, "You know, this game of golf would be alright, if it weren't for the golf part."

Two friends are playing golf together. One of them has landed on a dirt track, covered in gravel and sunken stones. The owner of the ball asked his friend: " Do you mind if I have a drop, I can't play from here, it's too rough."

" No, I'm sorry, but you play from where you lie!"

"But I'm going to destroy my club, it's all rocks and gravel," he said.

" Tough, but no favors, you play from where you lie."

The poor guy stops arguing and takes his first trial swing and of course, gravel and sparks fly everywhere. Second swing, same again. Finally he feels ready, moves to the ball and hits ... gravel and sparks everywhere, but the ball flies off beautifully, lands on the green and stops inches from the cup.

" My God, what a shot!... which club did you use?"

"Your five iron..."

A man was seen taking a shot just before the Ladies tee-box. The Course Marshall shouted, "Hey, you have to tee-off at the Blue or White Tee." The man replied, "Give me a break, man. I am taking my third shot."

A Senior Consultant Gynecologist is playing a four ball at his local golf club. Now this Gynecologist is a very selfish golfer. He has no regard for etiquette, is totally wrapped up on his own game and cares nothing for his partners, the players in front or behind. On this particular day he is struggling off the tee and despite the efforts of his partners is very slow. Two lady golfers very quickly catch up the four ball and have to wait on every shot. By the 8th, the ladies are sick of waiting and one decides to drive off. "I shouldn't if I were you," her partner says, "You may hit him." " I don't care it may quicken him up," she replies, and drives off. The ball lands about 20 yards behinds the Gynecologist and runs past him. He turns and glares angrily back at the ladies before moving on. This has no effect and at the 12th the lady does the same again. Again the ball lands 20 yards behind the Gynecologist and runs past him. He turns, shakes his fist at the ladies and moves on. No affect again and at the 14th the lady does the same again. The ball lands about 20 yards behinds the Gynecologist and runs past him. The Gynecologist picks up the lady's ball, walks back to the tee, says to her "Madam if you do that to me again I shall place this ball where only a member of my profession can retrieve it!"

Complicated Golf Course!

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse were he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't."

" Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

Every morning the president of a large company would arrive at work, meet with his son for an hour or so, and then the two of them would head for the golf course. Finally one of the workers asked, "How come you and your son come in here every morning, stay only for a little while, and then go golfing?"

"Because," the president said, "when I retire, he'll be taking over, and I want him to realize that there's more to running a company than just playing golf."

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

"Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

"That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

Pausing on the magnificent 7th hole of a Scottish golf course, a Scot was diverted from the breathtaking view of the coast by screams from a nearby bunker. Rushing over, he discovered an American golfer pinned beneath an overturned golf cart.

"Quick! Get a doctor!" screamed the injured man.
"Hae inny insurance man passed
by ye yet?"
"No! For God's sake, why?"
"Move over!"

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

After his worst game of golf ever, a husband comes home, plops himself down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

She gets him a beer and fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks irritated, but gets him another beer and slams it down in front of him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going
to start any minute."

The wife is now furious. She yells "You've been out golfing all day! Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ." The man sighs and says, "It's started!"

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?" "Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"


THE LAWS OF GOLF!

LAW: 1

No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW: 2
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW: 3
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW: 4
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW: 5
No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW: 6
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW: 7
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW: 8
Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW: 9
Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW: 10
Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW: 11
Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW: 12
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW: 13
All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW: 14
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).
LAW: 15
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW: 16
"Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW: 17
The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW: 18
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW: 19
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW: 20
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

 

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