Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream is in the public domain.
DAMN IíM GOOD
A pretty terrible golfer
was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round
proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was
getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
"I play golf in the
low eighties," the old man was telling one of the youngsters at his
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
A young man who was also
an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He
figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes
before he had to head home.
Q: What do you call 1,000 golfers lined up on a pebble beach holding hands?
A: Pebble Beach Golf Links.
GO FOR IT
The police arrived and
found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her
body. They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?"
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.
BAD DAY ON THE COURSE
One day, as I was playing
the fairway on the 15th hole of my local course, I watched as the man,
on the fairway running parallel to mine, hit several balls into a water
hazard. In frustration he eventually tossed his club into the water
quickly followed by bag and the rest of his clubs. He stormed off the
course only to return a few minutes later.
Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A: A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty At Golf But Aren't
10. Nuts...my shaft is
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
For The Golfers Out There
Stevie Wonder and Jack
Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is
the singing career going?"
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for youto find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!" The man replies, "I found it."
Ancient Man/Modern Man
When ancient man used to
yell and scream and shriek and beat on the ground with sticks they
called it witchcraft.
CONCENTRATION After a
particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the
clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot
to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off
on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes,"
the golfer responded.
SEEING IS NOT ALWAYS GOOD
A man was looking for a
new caddie one day when his friend said " I know a great caddie -
he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk"
OLDIE BUT GOODIE
When a big thunder storm comes when I am out playing golf, most on the course run for cover. I just take out my 1 iron and stand in the middle of the fairway with the club held high over my head and wait for the storm to pass. I do not fear the lighting because I know not even GOD can hit a 1 iron.
Two friends are playing
golf together. One of them has landed on a dirt track, covered in gravel
and sunken stones. The owner of the ball ask his friend: " Do you
mind if I have a drop, I cannot play from here, it's too rough"
Q: Did you know the
toughest golf foursome to play behind?
Q: What's the difference between golfing in New York and golfing in Canada?
A: In New york they say, "Eeehhh, get off the green!" In Canada they say "Get off the green, eeehhh."
BARRIERS BETWEEN RACES
The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball. The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole". The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke. The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out"!
GIVE ME A BREAK!
Tiger Woods went to play at a course in Alabama, after missing the cut in Montreal. He went into the pro shop and asked the starter if he could play as a guest. "Sorry" said the starter, "but this club is for white boys only, but there is another club you can play at down the road. It's only a Driver and a 3-Wood away". "Hang on a minute" said Woods "don't you know who I am?" "Nope, who are you?" said the starter "I am Tiger Woods" "Well in that case" said the starter, "It's only a Driver and an 8-Iron.
I KNEW THAT!
A man decided to take up golf and went to the local course and asked the pro to show him how to play. The pro told the man to put the ball on the tee and hit it as near to that flag as you can. The man put the ball on the tee and gave it a whack. It landed about 2 inches from the hole. As they walked up to the green the Pro said "Now all you have to do is tap the ball into the hole. The man said " Why didn't you say that when we were on the tee".
An ardent golfer visited
the fortune teller with one thing on his mind. He asked the fortune
teller: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"
MANíS BEST FRIEND
A man and his friend meet
at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man
has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out
a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind
CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY!
A golfer hooked his tee
shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball he
saw a man lying on the ground, groaning in pain.