Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream is in the public domain.
It seems that there was
this Chinese business man visiting a newly acquired business in the United
States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired
business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never
played the game before.
SILENCE IS NOT ALWAYS GOLDEN
We'd booked a 2:00 p.m. tee
time, but when we arrived we found two fellows on the tee getting ready to
tee off. When we explained that this was our tee time neither of them said
a word, but both covered their ears, then their mouths, and then simulated
cutting their throats indicating they were deaf and dumb.
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
After 45 years in the
military, most of it in charge of an artillery division, the General
finally retired. He moped around the house for days until his wife, tired
of hearing his complaints, told him to get a hobby. He chose golf. Never
having golfed before, he called his former aide who happened to be an avid
golfer. As they stepped up to the tee on the first hole, a beautiful par
four of 425 yards with a slight dogleg right, the aide explained to the
General that he had to hit the ball to the flag.
Gimme: An agreement
between two losers who can't putt.
Talking to a golf ball
won't do you any good unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.
Golf is game in which you
yell "fore", shoot six, and write down five.
Some golfers fantasize
about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam
Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen
Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.
I have a tip that can take
5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser.
The main problem with
keeping your eye on the ball is you have to take your eye off your
SINGLE VS. FAT
A recent study had some
interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer
industrial golf league. This study indicated that the single golfers who
play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.
A group of golfers were searching for one of there golf balls out in the deep rough.
After several minutes of laboring, the golfer who sliced his ball out into the trash declares he has found his ball, inciting another in his group to scream, "You liar! I have your ball in my pocket!"
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
HAVING A BAD DAY?
Joe had a particularly bad
day on the course - nothing went right and he became more angry with each
passing hole. By the Par 3 17th, he was fit to be tied and when he missed
a 2 foot putt (for a double boggy), he really exploded.
Q: Did you hear about the golfer who got shot yesterday?
A: Yea, they said it was a hole in Juan.
A fellow goes to the doctor
and says, "Doc, everytime I swing my 7 iron I pass this outrageous
The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.
Two Scotsmen, Sandy and
Angus, are playing golf one day and come upon a water hole. Sandy hits and
sends one into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag and finds
that he has no balls remaining. He asks Angus for a ball and promptly hits
that one into the pond as well.
Well Caddy, How do you like my game?
Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf.
One day two software
engineers were out playing a round of golf. They come to a par 3 with a
blind tee shot. Both tee off and watch their ball sail toward the flag.
When they get to the green, one of the balls is perched on the lip of the
cup and other is in. As it turns out, both were playing Titleists #3s.
I'm sorry to not tee off but my Doctor's told me I can't play golf!
Oh, so he's played with you too, Sir!
A golfer had made an awful
shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and looking about
said, "What shall I do with this?"
A FUNNY JOKE
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Two guys at a convention
get totally drunk the night before a big golf match. During the match the
two half-bombed characters manage to stay even with their opponents
through seventeen holes. On the eighteenth, by some miracle, they are in a
position to win the match if one of them can sink his seven foot putt.
Said to a few of my friends
that are patient enough for me to play a round with them.
Q: Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?
A: Just in case they had a hole in one.
LET US PLAY
Manager: I'm sorry. Sir, we
have no time open on the course today.
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the balls. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
A young man is playing golf
with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going
to use on this hole son?"
Rabbi Malcolm invited the Pope to play golf. Since the Pope had no idea how to play, he convened the College of Cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Jack Nicklaus," they suggested, "and let him play in your place. Tell Rabbi Malcolm you’re sick or something." Honored by his Holiness's request, Nicklaus agreed to represent him on the links. John Paul, again with advice from his staff, made him a cardinal just in case Rabbi Malcolm was to get suspicious. When Nicklaus returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came in second," was the reply. "You mean to tell me Malcolm beat you?" John Paul yelled. "No your Holiness, said Jack. "Rabbi Woods did."
GOLF ON SUNDAY
After church one Sunday,
one of the congregants walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is
it a sin to play golf on Sunday?
YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT!
The Reverend Francis Norton
woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and
sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told
the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say
Mass for him that day.
SIGN OF SUCCESS
A rabbi and a priest go
golfing with the club pro and his friend. Before the friend gets up to hit
the ball, he crosses himself. With that the rabbi leans over to the priest
DON’T BET ON IT
A minister went to the
local golf course hoping to find someone to play with. As luck would have
it, there was a member in the pro shop looking for a game, so they were
introduced and went to the first tee.
THE GOLFING PREACHER
There was this preacher who
was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the
golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
ANOTHER GOLF JOKE
Jesus and Moses were teeing
off on a 149 yd par 3, with water hazard.