Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream is in the public domain.
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"
Tam went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week."
"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoked into using it."
"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods."
"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself."
"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."
"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."
"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup."
"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating."
"No, Father, I was still cool."
"YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE F***ING PUTT?!?!??!"
A young man who inherited a large fortune spent all of his time jetting around the world playing new and exotic golf courses. When he heard of a new course that had just been hacked out of the Brazilian jungle he immediately set off to give it a try. Prior to starting his round, the pro advised that not only would he require a caddy, but a gun-bearer was also mandatory to protect him from the abundant wildlife on the course.
He played the first four holes without incident but on the fifth, a long par 4, he sliced his drive deep into the jungle. Cautiously he found his ball and was about to play a shot when he heard a loud BANG and large boa constrictor fell dead behind him. He thanked the gun-bearer, played out to the fairway and continued his round.
A couple of holes later on the par 5 eighth, he pulled his drive into a thick patch of jungle on the left. Again he carefully found his ball and was about to play when there was another loud BANG and a jaguar fell dead at his feet. Once again he thanked the gun-bearer, played out to the fairway and continued his round.
The rest of the round went without incident until he got to the short par 3 eighteenth, which had a shallow water hazard in front of the tee. A little unnerved by the sight of a few large crocodiles in the water hazard, he miss-hit a 5 iron and just failed to clear the far edge of the hazard. When he got to his ball, he decided it was playable in the water, took off one shoe, rolled up his trouser leg and checked that the gun-bearer was watching the crocodiles.
Just as he was about to play, one of the crocodiles charged and severed his right leg just below the knee. He let out a howl of anguish and pain he turned to gun-bearer and said "For God's sake man, why didn't you shoot!", to which the gun-bearer replied "I'm afraid sir this is index 18 and you don't get a shot here."
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says," For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?"
She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"
She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any."
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"
10 Universal Laws of Golf
1: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever.
2: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.
3: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play.
4: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers.
5: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
6: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
7: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
8: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and a tax agent -- or some similar combination.
9: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
10: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
There was a very competitive tournament going on at the TPC Scottsdale when a foursome got to the first tee box in two carts with 3 bags, the rules official gave count to the number of clubs in each persons bag, the first 3 checked out ok, and when the rules official got the the fourth man with no clubs he asked, "where are your clubs?"
He replied, "I have my pencil and that's all I need!"
The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope.
"You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Palmer."
Awoken in the night!
There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day.
He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.
One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration.
After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.
He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize.
He kept repeating his round over dinner.
The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early.
The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.
At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up.
"What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.
"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from me and threw it up in the air!"
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan!"
What are the three worst words that you can hear during a game of golf?
STILL YOUR SHOT!
An elderly gentleman golfer, with his caddie, approach the first tee box and the senior golfer tees up a brand new golf ball. He then proceeds to slice it into the woods to the right. He tees up another brand new ball and pulls it left into a small lake. He tees up yet another brand new ball and shanks it over the highway to the right. He tees up another brand new ball just as his caddie speaks up.
"Sir? Sir? You just lost three brand new balls. Why don't you try using an old ball?
To which the senior says, "I would use an old ball but I've never had one."
While in Scotland, my boss had the opportunity to play St Andrews. After a number of holes had been played, the boss inquired as to how the game was going to his caddie.
The caddie replied with "We must be playing Star Wars golf".
To this my boss asked what that meant and the reply was, "Star Wars mission was to go where no man had gone before, and we are indeed doing that."
Stevie & Tiger
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
This sign was posted at a local golf club...
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."