Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream is in the public domain.
Michael showed off his new ball to Jerry at the start of session, saying, "This new ball I have is amazing. You cannot lose this ball. If you hit it into the woods, fireworks spout out of it and a white flag pops out of the top of it."
Jerry said, "That's amazing."
Michael continued, "You don't know the half of it. When you hit it into the rough, a couple of mini-sized fans come out of it and blow the grass around it so you can see it. You can't lose this ball."
Jerry, even more astounded, said, "Oh my! I could use something like that! It's incredible!"
Michael went on with, "And if you hit it into the water, small floaters come out and it propells itself to shore. It's great! You can't lose this ball."
Jerry, beside himself asked, "That's too much. Where did you get it?"
Michael replied, "I found it on the fairway last game."
Mind Your Language!
An Australian touring round Britain was playing on a small course in Devonshire. He was on the first green and about to putt when he was suddenly beset by a flock of seagulls.
"Piss off, will ya'," he cried, thrashing at the birds.
A sweet little old lady who was sitting knitting near the green came over to speak to him.
"Excuse me," she said. "There's no need to speak to the little birdies like that. All you need to say is `Shoo shoo little birdies!' Then they'll piss off."
A man had a heart attack on the 15th green. His playing companion said to him, "Not to worry, there is a doctor playing the 8th hole and everyone is letting him play through."
There was this man who was playing a horrible round of golf. He said to his caddy, "I'm playing so bad I could just drown myself in that water hazard." Hearing this the caddy replied, "Are you sure you could keep your head down that long?"
A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A golfer, playing a strange course for the first time, was teeing up on the first hole. He took out a 3-wood and addressed the ball. Suddenly, a voice to his right said, "No, take a club extra!"
He looks around and sees a small frog sat at the side of the tee. "Was that you?" he asked the frog. The frog nods and repeats his instruction, "Take a club extra."
The golfer shrugs, takes out a 2-wood and takes a cracking shot straight down the center of the fairway, landing on the green. He turns to the frog and says, "Cheers mate! Do you know this course well? Do you want a lift?" The frog nods and so the golfer picks it up and places it on the top of his golf cart.
All the way round, the frog gives him instructions as to the course layout and club selection to the point that, after 18 holes, he has had three holes-in-one and ends up smashing the course record.
In the car park afterwards when the golfer has put away his clubs, he turns to the frog and says, "Thanks mate. You've helped me to produce the best performance of my life, smash the course record, get three holes-in-one and win £2000 as a result! If there's anything you want, just name it! Anything at all!"
The frog cocks its head and answers, "I've never been to a casino before." "Okay," replies the golfer, and he takes the frog into town and to a casino. He walks in the door with the frog on his shoulder and asks it what it would like to do.
"Roulette." croaks the frog and the golfer goes over and cashes his money into chips. He sits at the table and says to the frog, "What do you fancy?"
Once again, the frog cocks its head and croaks "Everything on 22 black."
"Everything?" repeats the golfer.
"Yep, everything." repeats the frog. The golfer paces the bet and it comes up, winning them a further £500k.
All night long, the frog is giving him tips and he finishes the night breaking the bank and a multi millionaire. Once again, he thanks the frog for a wonderful time and asks it if there's anything else it wants.
"Book the pent-house suite at the Grand." croaks the frog.
The golfer smiles at this. "Great idea. I'm knackered!" Once booked in, the golfer takes the frog up to the pent-house and asks if there's anything else it would like.
"Place me on the bed and kiss me!" answers the frog.
Thinking that this is the least he can do after such a successful venture, the golfer obliges and the frog instantly turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl, perfectly proportioned, lying naked on the bed! She gazes up into the golfer's amazed face, puts her arms around him and whispers, "Make love to me darling."
And that, Your Honor, is the motion for the Defense!"
Sam, completely ignorant about golf, watched with interest the efforts of a man trying to hit the ball out of a sand bunker. At last the ball rose in a cloud of sand, dropped onto the green and rolled into the hole. "Gosh," said Sam with a chuckle, "he'll have a tough time getting out of that one."
An avid golfer has played regularly all summer and has his swing grooved and the drives are going down the middle 230/240. Fall is coming and leaves are falling and days are getting shorter, so he starts playing 36 holes and the swing is still grooved and the drives are going down the middle, but 220/200, and then 200/190. Fatigue must be it. He puts the clubs away til spring. The weather breaks and out come the clubs. The swing is still grooved and drives are down the middle....200/190, 180/170!
He calls his doctor and explains his dilemma. The doc puts him in the hospital for tests. The doctor calls him into the office. " I have good news, and bad news." The golfer says okay give me the bad news first. " Female hormones are overtaking your body and within six months you will be a woman!" Stunned, he falls back into his chair...."What's the good news?"
"You get to hit from the ladies tee!!"
Two golfers were out playing one day and one of them hit his ball into the woods. While he was looking for it, his playing partner heard a loud scream! He rushed into the woods to check on his buddy and found him lying on the ground holding onto his butt.
"What happened", his buddy asked?''
"I got bit on the butt by a rattle snake. I need you to go back to the clubhouse and get a doctor!"
The friend hurried off on his cart to the clubhouse. Unfortunately, he found the only doctor there was in the process of delivery a baby. "Doctor, doctor, my friend was looking for his golf ball in the woods and he got bit by a rattle snake! What can I do to save him?"
"You will have to take this scalpel, cut open the skin at the bite, and suck all the poison out!" The friend jumped back on the cart, sped back to the woods, and skidded to a halt where his friend lay.
"Where's the doctor?"
"He's delivering a baby!"
"What did he say?"
"He said you were going to die!"
Two golfing buddies that had not played together for some time met on the course one day for a round of golf. One fellow says, "Hey Jack, how's your game going."
Jack says, "My game is so bad right now I had to have my ball retriever re-gripped."
An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle.
The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan," and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland.
The caddy replies, "AYE we call it a three."
On Charlie's first day at the office, John asks him if he likes to play golf.
Charlie says, "yes I do".
John tells him that he needs a fourth for Sunday at 8:00 am and would he like to join them.
Charlie says that he would love to, but that he might be 10 minutes late.
John says "No problem".
Charlie shows up on time, plays right-handed and shoots par golf.
Afterwards, John tells Charlie that they need a fourth for Sunday at 8:00 am again and would he like to play.
Again, Charlie says that he would love to play, but that he might be ten minutes late.
John says "No problem".
Charlie shows up on time, but this time plays left handed and again shoots par golf.
Afterwards, they are sitting around having drinks and John turns to Charlie and asks him "Charlie, last week you played right handed and shot par golf. And this week, you played left handed and shot par golf. How do you determine each week, which hand your going to play with? Charlie tells him "When I wake up in the morning, if my wife is lying on her right side, I play right handed; if she is lying on her left side play left handed.
John says, "What if she is lying on her back?" Charlie says, "That's when I'm 10 minutes late."
Not funny at the time: I saw Jack Nicklaus on the Johnny Carson show explain a humorous situation. He was playing a course that he had never seen before and said that he had to rely heavily on his 18 year old caddy. Teeing off on a big dogleg around a lake, he asked the caddy if he could clear it.
The caddy was adamant, "yes sir, you can clear that easily!" Jack then proceeded to hit the ball almost over the lake, but not quite.
He said he turned to the caddy and angrily barked," I thought you said I would clear it easily?!! Why did you say that?"
The 18 yr old caddy replied with a bowed head, "I did it yesterday."
Carson about fell out of his chair laughing, and said, "That's why I play tennis!"
The detective hurries to the scene of the crime. A man is lying on the ground, his head bloody and smashed, a bloody 5-iron lying next to the body. There is a woman standing nearby who admits to being his wife. The detective asks: "Did you hit him with that 5-iron? How many times did you hit him?" She thought a minute and answered: "Five or six times, I think. Oh hell, just put me down for a five."
Tom sits in clubhouse bar thinking about cheating on his wife with a beautiful young secretary who has been working in his office.
Deep in thought about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed.
"Not worth it" he muttered "never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk."
A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over heard Tom's words leaned across and said... "come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf."