Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream is in the public domain.
The Pro at a very elite club was listening to yet another complaint about the newest member. He was always making atrocious bets with other members. It wasn't the betting that offended every one, it was the oddity of the bets and the behavior of the man.
In fact, the new member had just picked a caddy and was heading towards the first tee.
The Pro decided to investigate the situation and grabbed his clubs. He met the member in question, Joe, and asked to join him.
Well, it didn't take long to discover the problem. On the first green Joe said, "If you make this putt, I'll bite my eyeball."
The Pro took a stern voice, "Sir, if you have been drinking too much, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave."
Joe laughed, "I'll pay you fifty bucks on top of it."
The Pro had about a ten foot putt, so decided to put Joe in his place. "I'll take your bet, but if you fail to pay up, in full, you'll double the money you pay me." The Pro sank his putt, and collected fifty dollars,
"And your eye?"
Joe removed a glass eye and promptly bit it.
Upset at being foiled, the Pro continued.
On the very next hole, he was in a sand trap, thirty feet off the green. Joe bellowed, "I'll bite my other eye if you can hit the green, and leave it on."
Well, the Pro knew Joe couldn't have two glass eyes and lured Joe in, "I can hit it, you know." "Put another fifty on it" Joe answered. "Same bet as before."
The Pro made the shot and collected another fifty and was ready to eject Joe, when Joe removed his false teeth and bit his other eye.
Furious, the Pro played on.
As expected, Joe made another offer. On the fourth green, the Pro had an uphill lie at about fifteen feet off.
"Make that putt and I'll urinate into the cup from the cart. Well, the Pro saw the cart a good twenty yards away, and had him.
"From where the cart is now?"
"And not miss with one drop. And one hundred dollars to boot."
The Pro smiled, "Same rules apply."
With caution, he sank his putt. Joe handed him two hundred dollars, walked over to the cart, and got ready to fulfill the rest of his debt.
Joe urinated all over the green, on the fareway, but nowhere even remotely close to the cup.
Smiling, he handed the Pro another two hundred dollars.
As Joe walked away, the Pro had to ask, "Why did you make that last bet up one hundred free and clear, now you're down a hundred, are you sane?"
Joe winked at the Pro, and said, See him?" and pointed to his caddy, "I bet him a thousand dollars I could urinate on your green and you wouldn't get mad!"
A bad tempered golfer bought a new set of Great Big Bertha Woods. After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro that these were the best clubs he had ever played with. In fact "I can throw these clubs 40 yards further than my old ones."
Two friends were playing golf, when one pulled out a cigar, but he didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.
"Wow," said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes, I will," the genie said, so he asks him for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million BUCKS...not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"
Marvin overslept one Saturday morning, and was running late for his 7 am tee time. He was exceeding the speed limit, and noticed a highway patrol man behind him with his lights flashing. He pulls over, the patrol man walks up to him and says "you were speeding, however if you can give me a good reason why, I'll just give you a warning. Marvin thinks for a minute and says "a week ago, my wife ran off with a highway patrol man, and I thought it was you and you were trying to bringing her back." The patrol man says "drive within the speed limit and have a nice day."
A husband and wife were sitting at the 19th hole when, suddenly, the wife starts thinking of death. She turns to her husband and asks,
"Honey, if I pass away would you give your next wife my $5,000.00 diamond ring?"
The husband replies "of course I would, I wouldn't want to see it go to waste."
The wife then asks, "Would you give her my collection of mink coats?"
The husband replies, "Of course I would, I don't want to see them turn into moth food."
the wife then asks, "Would you give her my set of Callaways you bought for me last week?"
"Of course not," the husband says, "she's left handed!"
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened.
"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball.
I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?'
And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"
A foursome was talking about what they had to do to go golfing. The first one said that he had to promise his wife that he would do all the yard work the following day. The second one said that he had to commit to painting a spare bedroom. The third one had to promise his wife a weekend on the town. The fourth one just smiled and said that when the alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. he asked his wife, "What will it be, me going to play golf or us having sex," she replied, "don't forget your sun glasses."
Jim, a member of the local country club, invited his friend Jack to play a round at his club. Since Jack had never played the course, on the first tee Jim was explaining where best to aim and where the trouble is on the hole. Jack teed his ball, addressed the ball, took a couple of waggles and took a violent swing with his driver, hit a foot behind the ball tearing up sod, didn't even touch the ball. Jack stepped back, took a couple practice swings and again addressed his ball. This time his swing missed everything. Jack stepped back from his ball, looked at Jim and said, "tough course".
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions...like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
A golf professional, hired by a big department store to give golf lesson, was approached by two women. "Do you wish to learn to play golf , madam?" he asked one. "Oh no," she replied, "Its my friend who is interested in learning. I learned last Wednesday".
A Rare Golf Shot!
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon, the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies.
When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
Two old duffers were out playing their weekly 18 holes, and for the big sum of .50 cents. After their tee off on the fourth tee they ride up to their balls to find that one was in the middle of the cart path . One of them got out and surveyed his ball and says, "I get relief don't I?"
" Hell no," said his partner, "you know the rules, play it as it lies!"
" Ok" said the duffer. So, he walked around the cart grabbed a club walked up to the ball and took four vicious practice swings sending sparks flying in all directions. He addressed the ball, hit it, and it landed 6 inches from the cup.
"Well," said his partner "I must say after all that you hit a excellent shot. What club did you use?"
" YOUR 6 IRON !!"
An American, who is a scratch Golfer, visits Scotland for the first time.
Taking a Scottish Caddy he plays a famous links course and finds he can't hit the ball straight. In fact he's having his worst round ever.
At the end of the round in his extreme frustration he says to the Caddy: "You're the worst Caddy in the World!"
The Caddy responds, "I do not think so Laddy, that would be too much of a coincidence!"
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker.
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!" I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee".
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:
"WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE, PLEASE!!!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the club house window directly at the person with the microphone, cupped my hands and shouted back ........ "WOULD THE JERK IN THE CLUB HOUSE KINDLY SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!"
A 50 year old man is playing golf one day. He gets to the fourth tee which is a 540 yard par 5. He hits an incredible drive, 300 yards straight down the fairway. But, the ball hits a sprinkler head and bounces into the woods.
Upset, the man walks down the fairway and into the woods where his ball has ended up.
Seeing he has about 240 yards left to the hole and pull out his 3 iron.
Attempting the muscle the shot the man swings as hard as he can. The ball hits a tree in front of him and ricochets back and kills him.
He wakes up in heaven and Saint Peter stands there with a book. "I see your'e a golfer, any good?"
"Hey, I got here in two didn't I?"